Amsterdam: Chapter 1, Part 4

“You tricked me into this conversation,” I said defensively, and Eddie just winked at me playfully and puffed away at his cigarette. Presumably the conversation was over. I sipped my milkshake and Eddie didn’t do anything. Now he had put all these thoughts in my head that were swirling around at a trillion miles an hour and I was trying to sort them out. My id was battling my superego as I tried not to picture myself fucking Jessica, or Napoleon for that matter, neither of which I was entirely keen on doing in the first place. Sadly I knew I’d probably do it if the opportunity presented itself. Not fucking Napoleon I mean, Jessica. I was a predictable male specimen then, willing to fuck an attractive female just because the opportunity was there. I wouldn’t do it though, I decided, even if she threw herself at me, because deep down I didn’t really want to. But maybe deeper down, on a primary level, I did, and at any rate the mere fact that I had been thinking about it, and her, and Napoleon for this long was probably a sign that some spark of a feeling was forming in my weak heart. So perhaps I did want her after all.

I glared at Eddie, at the very least more than slightly annoyed with him for shoving these thoughts into my susceptible brain, and I wondered what he was thinking about. I wondered if he ever second- or third- or fourth-guessed himself over matters of the heart, or cock. Sitting across from me now he appeared to be nothing but a hefty, foolish oaf, incapable of such internal conflict. Besides, he had a girlfriend anyway so it didn’t even matter. Still, he had been thinking about our friends and which one he’d like to fuck, otherwise he wouldn’t have brought it up in the first place. Or maybe he hadn’t thought one way or the other about it and just wanted to say something that would stir things up a bit because he was bored; or perhaps words simply tumbled out of his lips when he wasn’t paying attention and he wasn’t even aware of having said them at all. I wanted to ask him if he had any recollection of our conversation, just in case maybe it hadn’t ever actually happened and I had made it all up.